The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
