Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
