god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
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