Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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