the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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