my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize