I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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