yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
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