I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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