So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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