I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
