I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
