I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
