So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So here I am, sexting at work.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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