You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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