ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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