It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
