She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
