is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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