i will never coherently bang her
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
