Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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