She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
