My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
