I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
