It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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