Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
