So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Couch. On fire.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
