somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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