Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
