you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
