HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
