Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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