As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
