I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
