I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize