Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
