i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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