I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
