Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
