we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
organizing the empties. That sober.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
