I wish my penis had an off switch
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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