I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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