life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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