I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
