I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
