Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
