Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize