sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
