mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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