So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
