You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
