If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
you had me at cake vodka
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
