Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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