Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
