I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
