you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
