sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
