it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
