He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
