It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
