if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
