i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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